Being a Confident man, a far from easy task and in some areas of my life I have no issues with any kind of lack of confidence. Other areas of my life petrify me and I have zero confidence at all. That makes this a tough one to write because I don’t have all the answers. But I have some that have worked for me I know that I know men have been asking for a long, long time. “How do I be more confident?”
I think to answer this we need to start with a definition. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll know that I’m a big fan of a definition. After a google search of confidence definition here is what appeared.
“The feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.”
“The telling of private matters or secrets with mutual trust.”
For us we’re working on the first one. As part of my consultation process I make every prospective client write down their own definitions for the following. Importance, confidence, motivation and commitment. The reason I do this is because each of these elicit a different emotional response. Once I know how somebody feels about each of these I know from a psychological point of view what to work on.
How do you define these words? How do they make you feel? On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest how would you rate your feeling for each goal? This is always done in the context of goals that people tell me they want to achieve.
The reality of numbers
I’ll give you a real world example. A client one time said to me they want “to lose weight.” I made their goal much smarter and losing weight became losing 3 stone in 8 months ready for a wedding. Then it went like this.
Me: On a scale of 1-10 how important is it that you achieve 3 stone weight loss?
Client: 20! My ex is going to be there and I want to look hot!
Me: Ok, so we have a great motivator, what are your thoughts about how you’re going to maintain after you’ve lost the 3 stone and that motivator isn’t there?
Client: Haven’t even thought about it.
Me: That’s ok not people plan to go past their goal date, but what I don’t want to happen is for you to lose the weight and then regain it after. I can make you into some great shape in 8 months if you do everything I tell you. But I do not want my clients rebounding and then putting weight back on after working hard to get it off.
Client: That makes so much sense! I’ve never even thought about it.
Me: wouldn’t it be sweeter if a year after the wedding, you’re still in great shape?
Client: You know what you’re right! It’s still massively important I look good for this wedding though.
Me: No doubt! But think long term, and think health! On a scale of 1-10 how you rate your confidence to achieve this goal?
Client: I don’t know really, I’m determined to do it, with your help I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Me: Ok, I need you to define confidence for me. If you were writing a dictionary and had to give me two sentences to define confidence, what would you say?
From here my client really struggled and then when we dug deeper into confidence, the tears started flowing. Turns out that she had a long history of being told she wasn’t good enough and could ever achieve what she set out to. It’s a sad state that I’ve seen too many times over the years, people receiving negative feedback from family and friends.
Your subconscious mind is an incredibly powerful thing. It’ll take the messages you receive from people you hold in high esteem and prioritise them as a belief system. What ends up happening is the beliefs that you heard from others as a kid, end up becoming your own.
How To Be A More Confident Man
This is more than just a single answer, hence why whole books and volumes of text books are available on confidence. For me it starts with a peer or someone you respect telling you that you can. I remember once showing my parents my vision board which was a brave thing to do in itself because they have no idea what a vision board is.
I showed them a house I want to buy and live in, well the style of it anyways. The first comment that came back was “You’ve got ideas above your station.” Initially I took it to heart and felt really down and knocked for 6 by their comment. Then I remembered that the comment is their belief, it’s their deep rooted belief system, not mine! After a day digesting the comment, I will never forget it, but I refuse to let it be part of my own belief system.
A great guy that I love to follow who for me epitomises self-confidence is Grant Cardone. To the brits, he can be a bit full on but I love his style. He tells things as they are, he doesn’t fuck about when it comes to money or business. And even he says “You need to be ruthless with your folk, people”. “Your parents will be the first people to tell you that you can’t do something amazing. Because they never got told that.” I’d highly suggest you check out www.grantcardone .com for tips on selling, closing, investments and changing your mind-set.
For me being confident is defined by taking action in something that you believe, regardless of other people’s opinions. Or, Confidence is an emotional and physical state knowing that you can enter any situation without hesitation regardless of potential outcomes.
Changing Your Body
Again another element that is much easier said than done. I know for me I always feel much more confident when I have less fat on my body. It’s the same for hundreds of men that I’ve trained over the years as well.
Less body also causes you stop converting testosterone into oestrogen via an enzyme called aromatase. Armotase tends to live in fat stores on the body, less fat means less oestrogen. Higher testosterone levels and an increase in confidence, sex drive and improved overall health.
The image below is of a fella named Glenn Parker who trained with the guys Ultimate Performance in London to pull off this amazing transformation. Where do you think he felt more confident? More or less body fat?
This is the tough bit, how to do from being shy and always worrying about the consequences. To being a man that will always say yes regardless of the potential outcomes. Tony Robbins talks a lot about your state. This could be your state of mind, your state of physical being or your state of mood.
Being able to switch states is an incredibly valuable skill to learn. Which unfortunately there are not enough words in this blog to talk about, but I will explore in other blogs. Being able to access different emotions and different states of being is what actors do for a living. They have to embody another personality and live the emotions of that person they’re portraying. I’m not suggesting here that you pretend and fake your way through life because people are intuitive and will smell the bull shit. However, being able to access times when you felt confident, when you felt powerful and in charge. Will stand you in good stead when you feel that you need to find that courage from where.
A technique that I came across is that you shut your eyes, and notice yourself sat in the middle of an empty cinema theatre. The moving showing is a time where to your core you felt 100% confident, in charge, the alpha of the group and the man of the moment. Next thing to picture is that screen getting bigger and brighter and the bigger and brighter it gets. The more confident and in charge you feel, the more confident and in charge you feel the bigger and brighter the screen becomes! Once the screen fills the room and you feel 110% ready to take on the world you pinch together your thumb and index finger. The tighter you pinch the more confident you feel, and the more confident you feel the harder you can squeeze the thumb and finger together.
Just like that you’ve created an anchor. Now every time you need to feel that confidence level all you need to do is press that same thumb and index finger together. Boom have that surge of confidence fill your body and time you need it.
Summit It Up
Confidence is not a mythical thing that only a few of the enlightened have. It’s something that we all have within us, we’ve just been conditioned to expect the worst. Or we’ve been fed and listened to other people’s limiting beliefs and our subconscious has taken it upon itself to believe them.
You have all been confident in at least one thing during your lifetime. All you need to do is harness that feeling again. Put it to work for you rather than listening to the limit beliefs or the worst case scenario. What about the best case scenario’s?
Like I said before this isn’t something I can delve into in just this one blog post, so I will be doing more on this subject. Because I know this is something a lot of men struggle with.
As always fellas, any questions get in touch and I’ll see how I can help you become more a confident and well-rounded man.