Don’t you ever wish that you could go back and tell yourself some advice when you were like 16 or 17? To tell yourself about money and career management or how dating women actually works? I know that I do, but I am also grateful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way too.

Much like mythical ceiling we put on ourselves in terms of what we think we can achieve. I believe that we as men also put a ceiling on ourselves for what kind of woman we can get. I know I used to. My self-confidence with approaching or dating women used to be shockingly bad! Mostly on account of me being a nice guy. See my last blog about why nice guys finish last for more detail on that theory. Men suffer the same if not worse self-esteem issues as women. Let me elaborate.

Self-Esteem

According to an online dictionary, self-esteem is defined as “Confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.” In my era growing up in the 80’s we had cartoons of insane physiques on men, we had Carl Weathers, Arnold, Sly, Dolph, Mr T, Van Dam and Lou Ferrigno on TV and in movies. All massive guys, that were ripped and muscular. What we saw on TV was always the good looking toned ripped and muscular guys getting the insanely hot women.

What happens to your average kid growing up? They develop a mind-set that only hot ripped muscle guys get the hot girls. Then the kid might go on a mission to build loads of muscle (which only a small percentage of women actually like) or, they accept that they won’t end up with a hot girl. They settle for less than they want or deserve for that matter.

For me it was definitely the latter. I never really rated myself as a good looking guy, I wasn’t ripped, I wasn’t one of the popular kids. I was a nice guy that would treat women well, but women were never interested in me. They wanted to date the arseholes. And I could never work out why, much the same as most men.

Self-esteem for me, comes from a place of absolute confidence. A confidence that doesn’t mean you need to parade around like a puffed up peacock. But rather that you’re comfortable in every single situation, you’re firm in your own belief and you’re genuinely happy in your own skin. For some people this might mean they’re supremely confident in their skills at work. For others it might be their ability to play sports at a high level for others it could be going out and chatting up good looking girls.

When I Saw Self-Esteem At It’s Lowest

I’ll never forget an incident when I was travelling around Australia doing the backpacker thing. The 1st friend I ever made in Australia told me about a venue that a lot of the people from the hostel were going to that night. The hook for me was $2 pints, that all I needed to hear. We went a few time to this bar as it was a dive, but people make the place. We had a great time in there. One night a friend of my 1st friend bought a girl down from his hostel. This girl was smoking hot, quite possibly the hottest girl I’d ever actually met. She was American, mixed race of native American and European decent. Facially she was stunning, banging body, her tan was incredible and the tattoo’s over her body matched.

I got chatting to this girl and we hit it off immediately, I was chatting to her introducing her around the group that I had met at hostel. My 1st friend for some reason, when I properly introduced them blurted out a line I’ll never forget… “I have to leave now and it’s all your fault!” is what he said to her. I text him and asked him why he left, he said that he didn’t feel worthy or good looking enough to be seen with us.

This was a revelation to me, I had never ever seen anybody react like that to a social situation. I didn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to hang out with a hot woman, then as I processed things, I started to understand that his self-esteem and his own confidence was lacking. He didn’t actually see himself as being allowed to hang out with a hot woman. I don’t why because he’s a hoot and I’m still in touch with him 13 years later. This was a great life lesson for me, how people perceive themselves can dictate the social circle that they mix in. If people only seem themselves as bottom rung not pretty and not worthy to be around certain people, they will find a circle they feel comfortable in.

Ever wondered why groups of people pretty much all tend to look similar? This is part of social dynamics, self-esteem and self-confidence and how people value themselves.

Things I Learned About Dating Women

I learned a lot, during my time in Australia I came across a book called the game by Neil Strauss. This book details the way Neil transformed himself from self-confessed geek and loser with women. To the best pick up artist in the world as voted by his peers in the pick-up community. This book taught me a lot of skills about how body language and perception work. How social dynamic and the role of the alpha works and also how to actually engage and steer a conversation. Plus the benefit of getting hold of some women was a bonus!

Here are some of the things that I’ve learned about dating women not only from the book, but real life experience.

  • Women don’t want to be treated like princesses all the time
  • Women love to fuck! Not make sweet nice love, they love to fuck!
  • They’re attracted to the alpha by evolution
  • They’re attracted to a protector and leader of men
  • Women do not go for the shy guy unless that’s their fantasy to bring a shy guy out of his shell
  • If you’ve fantasised about it, the chances are she’s thought of it too
  • Women do like it rough and want something to get the pulse raising. (Why do you think the 50 shades books and movies did so well?)
  • Being open and honest about things that turn you on makes for a much better relationship
  • Silence is a killer, staying silent about things you’re not happy with wont help anybody (1st hand experience on that one)
  • Women are not all super sensitive wall flowers that need constant protection, my best relationships have been with strong independent women, I was too stupid to realise how good they were at the time.
  • They want a man to be a man, make decisions, take the lead, be a little dominant in the bedroom
  • Even hot women suffer insecurity issues

These are some of the things I wish I knew when I was late teens or early 20’s but hey. It’s all good, learning is part of the journey and great fun to do. My biggest regret is not even saying hello to some seriously hot women that I saw on nights out. At the end of the day, a hot woman that you may be a little intimidated to go and approach is still a person.

My Advice For Dating Women To My Younger Self

Is quite simply really, be yourself. Everybody is cool in their own way and has something to offer to everybody. Never ever write yourself off, at the end of the day, if she says no and rejects you it’s really not that big of a deal. You move onto the next one. Remember that dating and the whole thing about the mating ritual is about passing on genes. If you genuinely to your core are a protector and leader of people women will be attracted to that. If you’re not, then celebrate and own the things that you are naturally.

Being able to own a space and project that confidence within yourself is a huge attraction to women. Have faith that women will find you attractive, you just need to let them see it.

Generally speaking if I was to head back out on the dating women scene here are the rules that I’d apply for myself.

  1. Always pay compliments and have a little flirt with women you’re interested in
  2. Don’t be ashamed to let them know you fancy them
  3. Be open and honest about what turns you on, if she matches that happy days!
  4. Have conversations with hot women, accept that hot women are people just like you
  5. Understand that women love to be fucked, some love to be fully dominated and don’t be shy about expressing your own fantasies
  6. Stay away from porn as much as possible unless you’re watching it with a woman you’re dating
  7. Look after yourself physically and mentally, a healthy body is a confident body, lower body fat = higher testosterone = more attraction from the woman to you
  8. Never supress your own needs and desires through fear of offending women
  9. Show that you’re ambitious and a good guy to spend time with
  10. Never compromise on what you want, eventually the right one will show up

If I could go back and tell myself 10 things about dating these would be them. I hope this has helped some you realise that women are amazing. They don’t need to be put on pedestals and worshipped, unless that’s your thing. Women love a man to be a man, stop being the nice guy, be the good guy and go get the woman that you want.

As always fellas, any questions, get in contact and I’ll see how best I can help you.

Much love.

Dean.